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A Crossroads

While I wish I could say things have been going extremely well for me, I'd rather try to accurately capture the state of things and how I've been.

It takes a lot of practice to live life, one day at a time and not attempt to glean any deeper meaning from anything/everything. I basically volunteered some at lab, which - generally speaking - has been a positive experience. However, negative, in that everything feels so difficult and the prospects of even part-time work, doesn't seem possible yet.

Towards the end of April, I lit a fire under myself attempting to exert control over this situation. In reality, many of us actually have little control over our lives. That prospect can seem all the more terrifying when it has been months (actually - years) at this point since I have fallen out of touch with work, become so disconditioned - whilst (simultaneously) attempting to adapt to my new circumstances.

The other problem, is just feeling like my options are so limited when it comes to work, on a physical level and also a realistic expectation level. I know, for instance, I could probably do fine in a fleixble (reasonable quota-based) position, that offers me some of my work to be remote. However, a job in the tradition sense of a 9-5PM (set hours) - especially with doctor's appointments is not really on the table. I also feel like what will ultimately be expected from me, I may not be able to meet. While I realize some of these emotions are reactive and probably not rational, another part of me just feels vulnerable, naked and alone in my attempts to deal with this. My involvement with my local DVR (department of vocational rehab) office has netted in absolutely zero. I just don't get what I should try to be doing. I am the type of personality that likes to plan ahead of time, sense a purpose and situation out. Again, that is not to say that my life hasn't been rife with living and work situations, to which I can only exert some control - not absolute control. I continually try to remind myself of this fact, when thinking about what ultimately landed me my lab management job and how that too, ultimately, I had no real control over. I had some control in influencing its evolution and starting there, but a good chunk of it came down to luck.

So how, then, can I have some say in shaping my next career step, that can offer me autonomy, self-agency, with also the support of an employer than understands I need a work-life balance as much as I require a living-wage. From my perceptions, it seems like the world keeps getting more and more insane and more and more neurotic. While some of that could just be some of my own emotional projection, I can feel it as so much of our live moves into the next chapter of the digital age and especially with respect to social media and AI. There is some real discontent to what's happening with the world. When I combine that with my sense of wokeness around weather patterns and the standard of living getting so out of control, I count myself lucky for all I have - but even with all of those securities, I still feel deeply insecure. I just don't know how to be happy. I so desperately want to feel that way. Even in my idleness, I try to tell myself not to worry - to give this up to a higher power and to live in the moment.

At the same time, I'm just so out of touch, so deconditioned and everything is such a grog - even on disability, I just don't know how I'll ever get back on my feet and feel normal. Combine that with my discontent regarding this whole situation, my former providers and how they drove my case off of a cliff and sometimes feeling ignored when seeking legal representation and it's a shit-storm of shock, regret, constant financial pressure, and no one to really turn to about it. Even the support groups don't truly allow me to connect on a deeper level (even when networking outside of group) in a way that feels like a true sense of support and chamaraderie. It's so soul-crushing, as it is demanding and confusing. And that doesn't even begin to hit on the fact I'm hitting mid-life and I really need to make decisions about any actual prospect of finding a soul-mate, if that even exists; or even about the prospects of having kids (one way, or another)... with a partner (or not). The prospects I know are so very rewarding, as they are so very terrifying and exhausting. And nothing can prepare you for it. I think I want the gifts that are associated with it, but I don't feel like it comes from a space of abundance of resources, but rather from a space of scarcity. I realize there is a lot of manipulation going on with marketing, our involvement in the digital age and maybe that is exactly the way the status quo wants to make us feel. Unimportant, disposable, like we're lucky to have a job... so deal with it. Then balance everything else that has been happening with this amputation, the 9-year long leadup to this - since my health became a regular concern of mine... and it sometimes feels like too much to handle.

I am spending a great deal of effort with energy work, both in support group setting, as well as with the mind/body interface. There is this feeling I just cannot shake. As I became to realize during and in retrospect after an energywork massage is that I feel so left out right now. I have this gift, that I genuinely want to share with the world. No matter how premature it may be, I have attempted to apply to positions in research and tech to no avail. I feel so insignificant. Before, work had such a place in my life and such a purpose. I was very proud of my leadership skills, the feedback of the students... everything felt "right" - no matter how challenging it felt continuing to perservere. Now, I don't even have that sense of "belonging to something greater than myself", or "an understanding employer that supports me as a whole person - knowing I don't need to be micromanaged, but that I will put the necessary work in (a trust - so to speak)". Again, things felt fragile for me before all of this leg infection stuff happened, with the chronic health issues. But now, it just seems all the more challenging. I hope I can obtain and re-establish a sense of normalcy, security, and be offered a position where my gift can be shared with others. I'm very passionate.

I'd like to end this post on a more positive note: that is to say, I am still so grateful for absolutely everything. To God, to my Mom, to my friends/past colleagues and anyone that took a chance with me. Most know, I am very passion and purpose-driven person. I'm not happy with all of the idleness. I actually feel quite listless. I remind myself this "challenging chapter" of my life won't be forever. I truly have to believe that. I just wish I didn't have to walk it, talk it and spend as much of my time as I do being addicted to this worry. I don't know when things will feel better for me. They seemed to be going a bit better for a month or so... especially around my interview period in May. But now, I feel like I'm stuck physically and mentally. You know - even if I try. The other concern is that I look at the skills I have and have acquired and truly worry things are going to remain challenging as far as work prospects until things take a more positive shift. It's not that I'm not willing to work, I have been trying to make it work - albeit, probably a bit too prematurely. But then what? As much as I would like to spend my time learning a new skill, it's hard given the backdrop of what landed me here, and also work worry of how technology has bastardized our existence. There is no lightheardedness left in life. Everything seems hard, for really - everyone. So I really do appreciate when people have donated, sent me words of encouragement, or even attempted to network with me to keep in touch about potential opportunities. So thank you for taking time and eneregy out of your own day and own life to support me. I'll try to keep you updated with some update videos here soon. I spent this past week coordinating the moving in of our new refrigerator, blowing through entirely way too much money, and fixing my M1 macbook, as it had suffered from a crack to the screen.

I just feel so frustrated/confused/alone. I kindly ask to a higher power, that I can be granted the wisdom offered by the serenity prayer - wisdom to know the difference of what I can change, vs. what I cannot change. I am trying my best to try to love and enjoy life. Invest in myself and attempts to be upbeat and positive, but it can also really be hard. I don't want to incorporate my former strategies of cynical optimism 100% here because I think it's a bit self-abusive. At the same time, I'm not trying nor attempting to get caught in patterns of feelign sorry for myself. A balance must be made and I just hope there is so much positive stuff in store, that it will make me question a lot of my former assumptions and accelerate me down the path of supporting myself and those around me in a way where I feel both blessed and lucky to be able to share in this, not burdened by it. Thanks for everything. Peace and love to you all.