Just performing a random and short write-up here from lab (as a volunteer), as I'm waiting for a gel to develop.
Basically this past week, I have been working on a summary write-up that can hopefully be used for legal proceedings. I have to lead a buddhist/recovery support group next week and need to decide on meditation and excerpts to read. I might also need to practife it with a dry run, first. Because I need to get ready for this, after I leave here, I need to drive down to BestBuy in Longmont to grab a bluetooth speaker - and yes, while I have wanted one for a while, I am finally breaking down and getting a budget and no-frills one so I can also relax during the meditation. Not much else to say... there are volume and pain issues still with the leg. I'm trying to be up on the leg once a day, most days... but sometimes I can take a couple-of-day break without wearing it. Surely one full day forces me to reduce/eliminate wear the next. I'm just not there yet, I guess. I am wondering if / when things will get better. I try to be grateful for all that I have, including my Mom, understanding PM doctor, as well as my PCP and I being on good terms. What I want is more social elements and to not feel rushed back to work. I am appreciative that they are doing right and letting me remain on disability.
In some ways my life feelsl like it's over. No matter how much I want that to improve, I cannot deny just how I have felt wronged by all of this. My feelings don't change this... if anything, me trying to control this doesn't help. I am trying to live in the moment, but the energy at home just doesn't feel good (even though I need to remind myself to be grateful for still having my Mom)... something that I'm sure I'll look back on sometime in the future and regret because I wasn't taking full-advantage of the situation. I just feel the stress, the chronic suffering and I know my Mom experiences it too. So it's not like it was before where heading out to California could offer me some respite and I could always be really excited around my Mom. I need a vacation to look forward to... I need more physical therapy... I need to figure out how much longer I can weather this, or approximate just how long-term this situation is. According to my providers, it is literally going to be years.
Anyways, I am very grateful. Truth be told, the generosity of some friends and past co-workers has given me a recent push and the ongoing support through disability, and ongoing with my Mom and some of my specialists truly make me realize how blessed I am... even if I feel like my finances are running in the net negative. The burdens of living weigh on many... and especially those disadvantaged. That's putting it lightly, also considering that there were chronic health issues that preceded this from late 2014... (definitively spring of 2015, onward). I just want to experience peace... and try to enjoy this time, but I am squirming all of the time. Usually about: what I should be doing... rather than surrendering. It's hard to surrender with the idea this is my new normal, after 36 years of having a leg. I hope and pray it gets better and that I learn to trust God, realize God is good and be contemplative in my prayers and take more time to go easy on myself and meditate too. I should do my best to enjoy this time, rather than fear of what could possibly happen. I'm safe and I should express gratitude and believe myself when I say that I'm truly trying my best... and I'm doing great. I need to exercise patience and humility. I know it's disappointing to have my life derail.