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What's Next?

I'm still feeling caught up in this mess, but I am taking steps to show up and try to push beyond all of it.

I spent some time this week outside, trying to help out, whatever limited amount I couild on some house project stuff. Partially for something/anything productive to do that would allow me to also be outside and get some sun and change my environment. So much of the past two years (more or less) have been caught up and dealing with recovery, downtime and being stuck at home. Prior to that, work was a big part of my life and provided structure and purpose, even when powering through the heal issues that preceded all the surgeries.

I have been forcing myself to remain patient, not to force myself into any one thing; really it's about taking each day as it comes. Unfortunately, with the latter, this also means not being able to focus well, or long enough on any one thing to develop a new hobby, or say - start working out... or doing something different, even something as simple as picking up a new (or existing) videogame and achieving a level of escape that keeps me motivated. I think that is probably the most disheartening part, is that while "I could be using this time to..." (learn a new skill; workout; play videogames; escape; read books; meditate), while i can get started on many of these tasks, either my attention, or my lack of well-being masks the enjoyment, or productivity surrounding the task. It's like being distracted with background noises and people talking when you are trying to read, except, those are inner voices of fear, worry, doubt, overwhelm, trauma, and also pain and limits - which are most real.

I saw this post the other day on a FB group I'm subscribed to called the Artidote, but basically the post took these worries and fears, and turned them onto its side when it said... have you considered instead of worrying and trying to control, instead focusing on your ability to receive? Have you considered for a moment how you are moving through heartbreaking change right now, to take the time to receive these gifts without worry? There could be "an entire cake" on the other side of this waiting for me... this could transform my life, potentially for the better. I also read a quote recently that read: you aren't starting over, you will be starting over with all of the added experience.

I don't know why vulnerability, lack of control, fear and worry about the planet, let alone our own well-being bodes so horribly. I thought when we read into the Buddhist philsophy of letting go that things would actually get better on there own, since you are holding capacity for the pain. In reality, life often feels like we're in a boat continually travelling upstream in the attempts to not fall over the waterfall's edge. It's just so bizarre how what we work towards often times feels so futile. It's about surviving and not enough about thriving. That's what I hate the most about life. I'm not saying that I'm not good at surviving... I have practically made an art of suffering well and doing my best to not have it destroy me.

It's not just the state of the world that addes to the cynicism, it's the climate change, it's the economics and lastly - and perhaps most importantly, it is the way we are affected/touched/shaped by unfortunate circumstances and aversion in our own very lives. It's the frustration and indignation of it all. Why am I even motivated to continue? This is especially problematic, when you have literally decades of chaos and disappointment and never enough time to fully deal with (or unpack/decompress) from each and every disappointment, loss, or new event. That doesn't mean that I still don't force myself to not give up and continue pushing forward anyhow.

So anyways, I'm coming to you here to day to say that I'm frustrated, confused, and quite frankly worried. Don't get me wrong, for as much as I'm going on about how bad all of this seems, I do take the time to be grateful and cognizant about it logically, but it doesn't solve the emotional harms (or even the feeling of inadequecy - so it seems - at times when I am so very grateful for other's generosity and care, but feel so ever burdened in my current state to wonder how I could ever return the favor. I'm sure the best way is by being grateful, channeling the negative stuff into positive ones and transforming, growing and thriving. Again with that "thriving"... wha the hell does that even mean?

I guess the closest I have ever come to "thriving", was a split-attentive mind half-worried, but finally settled on purpose. It wasn't made manifest in a way where I truly felt complete, every need met, carefree and worryless. I really wish I could adapt, grow and actually thrive. Even if I were to put in all of the work and discipline behind it, there would be doubt about what I'm doing. I'm not sure if it will ever be manifest in finding my soulmate/partner, having kids, offering my mother the chance of being a grandmother, obtaining gainful employment (but not manipulated by punative coarsion).

Half the time, I don't even know why I feel this way... other than I know I am empathetic, caring, intelligent and at least I'd like to think I'm not ignorant, or blinded to a contradictory truth.

So when I ask myself what's next... well of course there are dreams, and goals... but I can't help but feel like the effort is squandered... I'm forcing myself to start this process and ultimately will be swimming up current the entire time - some journies are more pleasurable than others.